A Nice Site

You knew I was going to send you someplace else, sooner or later.

I could rehash this, but why? It is a fairly decent article about making friends.

How to make close friends

This one seems to be pretty good, but let me give some things to think about:

1. Focus on others, not yourself. My experience is that if you go too far with that your wind up with people using you. Good relationships need to be in the 30/70 to 70/30 percent range, outside that they very quickly become uncomfortable. That does not mean that once you become friends, and your friend temporarily needs a shoulder to hold them up, you do not give 100%. And hopefully if thing go bad for you they will be there for you. In fact that kind of points up what real friends are like. If they disappear when you need help, they were not real friends anyway.

2. Yes “Do listen” when they are speaking. It is not a competition to see who can out talk the other.

3. Places to meet people. These always tend to be too restrictive. Anytime you and someone are standing still, near each other, there is an opportunity to talk. As I said, I have no problem talking to someone in a situation like that, but I do need to learn how to follow up on that.

That page is aimed, as most are at the 20-something crowd, so us older folk may need to be more creative.

Just the other day, I saw a woman that looked interesting, at what was a new venue to me. I used that (new venue) as an excuse not to approach her. Sigh, I said that I am writing these posts partially to help me, didn’t I? Let’s see, if I approached her, what could have happened?

1– She could have blown me off.

2– She could have talked to me, and nothing else come of it. That in itself would have been nice.

3– She could have asked me to sit with her during the presentation.

4– We may have hit it off and arranged to meet sometime later.

5– She could have yelled for a cop.

The last was not likely, the first has happened before, the other three would have been positive experiences. So, I should have approached her. My loss. What kind of excuses do you use on yourself?

 

The first thing we need to know

For many years I had been feeling that people who barely knew me seemed to like me, and that people who knew me well liked me; but people who only knew me a bit, did not seem to like me much.

You may have had the same feeling. I did not understand until someone said the same thing to me. And suddenly it was crystal clear. We meet people and we kind of like them. As we get to know them better we are evaluating them. Are they the kind of people we want to hang out with? Do we have enough similar interests, to actually have something to talk about. Is this person interested in the same kind of relationship I am (friends, romance, sex, support)?

Yes it should be clear to you now as it suddenly was to me. We are not looking to connect with the, maybe, hundreds of people we come in contact with but for a reason not to bother.

So only those who do not get weeded out, by either side, in this process do we have a chance to form a connection with. That means that most of the people you meet and talk with you are not going to be able to make a meaningful connection with.

So if for every 10, 20, maybe 100 people you talk to, you are going to get nowhere, why bother? Two reasons: The most obvious being that you are not going to find the ones that will be meaningful to you both if you do not window all those people. The second is it is good practice, without stress, at talking to strangers. I mean, if you know it is probably not going to matter, you do not have to put your soul on the line. That makes it easier to just be you. That actually has to help finding the people who are looking for someone like you. No so?

Why a new blog

This past month, I had some new, maybe recurring, experiences with people.

Those tell me I need to learn/relearn some people skills quickly. If me, probably others as well. So I decided to start a new blog, about that.

Connections! seems to be an appropriate title about making new connections and keeping old ones alive.

Item: About Valentines Day I had this idea I would try to find and reconnect with an old girlfriend. Since we parted 35 years back, that seemed to be a daunting task. Not really, it took about 15 minutes on the web to locate her current telephone number. Talking to her was more stressful than I would have thought and I cut the first call off after only about 10 minutes. A second call lasted a half hour. I would call this experience 75-80% successful.

Item: At about the same time I met a woman. Managed to make a coffee date that seemed to go well. Then it all blew up in my face. Not all my fault, but I will take the majority of the credit. On the other hand I have not been making new friends in the past several years so am way out of practice. I could not call this experience even 10% successful.

Item: A friend took me to visit with some friends of his. They and I seemed to get on real well. I liked them a lot, and think the feeling was pretty mutual. I would call this experience 90% successful.

I do not know how others actually feel, but I find it easy to fall into a brief conversation with strangers. On the other hand I very seldom manage to move it beyond that. Back in my dating days a half-lifetime ago, I usually figured that if I made to to a third date it was going to last awhile. Now I almost never get to first base, whether I am looking for a friend, or a more intimate relationship. How about you?

I intend to do what I can to meet and keep new friends in a consistent manor. That means relearning old skills, and learning new ones too. I intend to report on that here. There seems to be a million websites out there from “How to sleep with every woman in the world” to “How to meet someone you can have an interesting conversation with”. I tend to be more interested in the last of those.

The funny thing is that there are also many, I mean many websites out there telling us where to meet people.What is funny about that is that there are people all around us. The trick is not finding them, it is making a connection with them.